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Loneliness
It was just another hot night.
Dusty polluted air filled my lungs every time I tried to take a deep breath. Why is it that some nights feel darker than other nights? How come there is darker than dark? It doesn't make sense, but the night was darker than normal.
As I stood there, surrounded by everyone in the world, I couldn't see a soul. As I reached out, all I touched is the warm and moist air.
How can one make sense of the senseless? That has somehow become an eternal quest, a struggle I have to endure. Unlike pretty much everything in my life, this was not particularly my choice either.
Everyone is talking and smiling but I can hear no one - and no one can hear me. I get up and leave. I walk away from everything. I'm off to search for something else. To search for something that makes sense. Normally, there's sense to be made even in my most confused state of mind. There's always sense to fall back on, to feel safe with.
But somewhere along the line, I lost that safety net.
As I walk out into the night that is darker than normal, I struggle to breathe the think air. I wish I at least had a shadow to keep me company. Yet at the same time I'm savoring in the loneliness resulting from the world disappearing. Does that make sense?
I'm so excited. My excitement creeps slowly over the depression of the loneliness.
Yet there is something that I need, something I search for. Something - or someone?
Flashing lights of cars passing by, horns blazing away, a plane scopes closer for the landing. Slowly the world is stripped away from all that. They're there - but they have already disappeared.
Or I have disappeared.
Yet I want to be with someone. I want to feel her life for the rest of my life. To drink of her dream as long as I dream. I just need to get closer.
But when the world disappears - what will still remain?
I take more steps into the ever darkening night. And as it all disappears, I smile.
The less there is, the more there becomes somehow.
I've never been so alone - and I've never felt so alive
The mantle of loneliness can be a cloak of liberation. Its cold reality can be a warm self-knowledge. Its when we accept our intrinsic lonely nature that we can carefully select close companions, and remove ourselves from the false comfort of company. But yet,no man is an island. I empathise..
ReplyDeleteThat is really beautifully written :)
ReplyDeleteI used to step into those empty spaces. I realised it made me felt that the whole universe is inside me. That made me see those empty spaces as an empty canvas, just waiting for me to give it colour.
Those empty spaces are coloured by what we do, think or say in them :)
Being alone doesn't have to mean you're alone :)
Being alone doesn't have to mean you're lonely :)
ReplyDelete"If i keep a green bow in my heart, the singing bird will come."
~Chinese Proverb
Wow! My teacher used to say that too, if I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come.
ReplyDeletethis post reminded me of a song..
I just googled it, here it is: "Everybody's Talkin'" by Harry Nilsson apparently:
Everybody's talking at me
I don't hear a word they're saying
Only the echoes of my mind
People stopping staring
I can't see their faces
Only the shadows of their eyes
I'm going where the sun keeps shining
Thru' the pouring rain
Going where the weather suits my clothes
Backing off of the North East wind
Sailing on summer breeze
And skipping over the ocean like a stone
On another note, I have a good psychiatrist... his number is.. doh-doh-doh doh-doh-doh-doh
Homer Van Doh
wow that's a beautiful song Homer Van Doh! I'm surprised I never heard it before!
ReplyDeleteTime for me to go look for it :)
And as for the psychiatrist... leave the number on my desk, I need that :P
@taqdeer: From what you say, I can see that you know very well what I'm talking about :)
And yea, I heard that proverb before. Simply beautiful imo!
That was a good one....i liked it..
ReplyDelete