Make life make sense

Today as I stepped out of work, I breathed my weekly sigh of relief. Finally it was the weekend. It is amazing how long the weeks are becoming. I thought that keeping myself busy with work would make the week shorter - but it's not working. The weeks keep becoming longer and longer. Ironically, the weekends are becoming shorter (since some work is seeping into them as well!)

As I put my earphones on and turned on the music, I decided to go for shuffle. There are over 2000 songs on my iPod so I'm bound to be surprised. It's interesting when you try that out and you get little signs. As the song played out, the first line of it send me thinking for many hours to come. The song starts like this:

It's down to this,
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

The words hit the nail. So many times when I'm walking alone or something I feel like the colors are seeping out of my life. It's becoming so incredible mundane - missing the vibes that have always defined it. Ironically, I did this myself. I forced those changes in an effort to find something that I once lost in my world.

It feels so strange when you build a world for so many years - you feel it is so incredibly refined and stabilized - then it's wiped out in mere seconds. The years sometimes fool us into a sense of security. We think we have created perfection if it last for so many years. The truth is, our worlds are created from our past experiences. They are built to resist the things we already know. But if there's one thing I've always known - it's that no one has known everything yet.

We build our worlds with layers upon layers of security against all the pains and faults of the past, but the moment something new comes along it can completely wipe out those worlds.

What I don't understand however, is why some of us are able to prevent anything new from invading their nurtured worlds while others have their worlds wiped out dozens of times. I squarely fall into the second category.

World after world that I have created for myself has somehow failed tremendously leaving a barren wasteland behind. It is not easy to start all over again. It never is. And the longer it is you've been creating your world, the harder it is when it comes crashing down.

So many worlds I created have been destroyed to be replaced by something new. It is just so darn hard this time around. This world was so intricately protected thanks to dozens of failures in the past. I have been creating and refining it for so many years. Yet all of a sudden, it comes crashing down. What is even worse is that it doesn't even leave and scraps with which to start a new world.

It's down to this, I've got to make this life make sense

But worlds - especially mine - strive on being senseless. That's the magic that holds them together. Does that mean that making sense of my life will make it vanish?